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Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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12:08 am
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12:08 am
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It's time to let my past rest. My heart is bloody like my wrists. Some of us look only for love. Why dont people find it in me. I'm ready to take my flight. Sitting on the back of a white bird. His soft feathers absorb my tears, fears of a forgotten land. That land of Earth where i was born. Now im going to another existance. I'll feel whole there. Maybe other people will know love as i do. Im bleeding on my flacotti. I dont want to stain it. I have a white bandage on my right arm. I didn't finish the job this time. When its time ill be in Nogales.
current music: Lamb - Track 06
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 14th, 2001
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11:33 pm
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I'm waiting for Mikey to come to my house tonight. We went with our friends to go see a movie. It was a disaster of course. Derek was being totally rude and Victor, his boyfriend, was acting totally immature. They both upset Mikey and Mikey wasn't being affectionate because of their actions. I was upset because Big Mike was taking over Mikey and I felt isolated. Then to top it off, They all wanted to go in Mikey's car and not mine. --- Mikey just came over and he and I talked about what happened. I feel so much better and so in love. He drives me crazy. He was upset because I said something in a mean tone and he was already upset with other people. That just added on to it. I told him that I would be more caring and affectionate when he feels upset. He thought that I thought that he and I don't spend enough time together. I told him that it wasn't time and that I just wanted to spend time with him in the day time.
current music: Poe - Wild
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3:42 pm
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Everyone is gone now. I just finished cleaning the house. I was talking to Jake last night. He's a friend from Yuma. He was telling me how he feels everyone that we used to hang out with sold out. I can see that in myself. I have my own group of friends completely different from the friends that I used to have in Yuma. I think I've became too immersed in the gay scene. I am in love but I feel something missing in my soul. Something I've lost. When I was with Jake and my friends in Yuma, I was missing love. Now, I think I am missing friends who are authentic and on my level. I feel alone when I am away from Mikey. Everyone is stabbing me in the back because they are jealous of me. That's how big Mike explained it. I miss my simple high school life. I have freedom here but I've lost the ability to be care-free. It's impossible to be free and have possessions. I've got to get a job to even my life out. I need to stop having thoughtless fun. This box of happiness is blinding me.
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1:37 pm
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I know I need to post more. I have a friend over right now watching TV. I don't have a couch yet so he's sitting on the floor. I found a really nice couch at Copenhagen at around 1000$. That's in my price range so all I have to do is get a job. I went to apply at a restaurant called the Macaroni Grill. It's classy even though I'll probably end up a dishwasher. I need the money so I don't have an option. I'm going to pay off my credit card and buy that couch. So my drama continues with the Chris and Chaz crisis. They insist that their rumors are true even though everyone knows they aren't. I can't believe that they would say that I cheat on Mikey with 3 other people. Anyways, Mike is watching clueless on TV. Now that is trashy. He's worn the same shirt for three days too. He just read that. Oops. I'll write later.
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| Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
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9:18 pm
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Here I am again. I'm writing to you. Mikey just left to go home. My house is a mess and i am going to clean it after I finish this entry. My apologies for not writing sooner. It took the phone company two weeks to install my phone line. I just moved to an apartment in downtown Tucson. Finally, I have a place all to my own. My life is good and bad right now. I have everything I every wished for, love. I have even more, my own place and possessions. The bad side of my life is that I am in constant threat of loosing everything. People are spreading rumors about me becuase they want Mikey and I to break up. Ironically, it is Mikey's exboyfriend's boyfriend. He said that I was cheating on Mikey with three other people. Big Mike and Mikey are my only friends and Big Mike and I are together all day everyday.There is no way I could be cheating. Regardless to that fact, I have no need to. I am entirely in love with Mikey. I talked to my ex-boyfriend, Ryan. He asked me if i knew someone from Yuma. I said no, even though I did know him. Now, I sort of want him to leave me alone. Ryan told people when I broke up with him that he was on crack and if he killed me i couldn't leave him. That is simly psycho. Anyways, I still have my AIM account so if your bored message me at 'thewindislwyn'.
current music: kazaadownload100821658137206038
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| Saturday, November 24th, 2001
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9:49 am
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Well, Mikey and I had our first date yesterday. Gentry got all mad and had a fit. Ruben, the youth center admin had to calm him down and talk to him. We all came to my house for a movie and gentry ruined it again by bitching about Lorenz coming. He is so selfish, it blows my mind. He wants everyone to do exactly what he wants. Mikey and I are falling in love. I can feel it when were next to each other. I'm going to call about my apartment in downtown today. I hope its still available because I would even get a job to live there. This is a nice break from school but I need to focus more. Anyways, I'll write more later.
current music: kazaadownload1006620086991420
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| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
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11:23 am
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Mikey and I exposed our relationship to our friends which lead to some problems. People are jelous and selfish. We got over the problems and now im going to have Thanksgiving with Mikey and meet his parents! Gentry liked both mikey and I and now he threw a fit becuase mikey and I are together.
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
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10:38 am
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Mikey and Mike have been coming over everyday and Mikey and I have been frech kissing each time. LOL! Last night we were talking and we both saidthat we were so glad that we had each other's friendship. I said that i loved him so m uch and that i dont know where i would be with out Mikey and Mike as friends. He said the same back. I think that since Mikey lost his first boyfriend that he wants me to be his boyfriend but without words so we cant break up. I wouldn't ever leave Mikey but I told Mike that I would just let our relationship evolve to what it is. Everything is peaceful now so I'm not going to mess it up with labels.
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| Saturday, November 17th, 2001
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11:23 pm
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Well, here I am in Tucson. I think its time to where I can write in my journal again. I'm dating this guy Ryan and I am not sure if he likes me. He's a ballet dancer at the university here in Arizona. My best friends are Mikey and Mike. I think Mikey is in love with me though and I would certainly fall in love with him but he's so young and he's only had one boyfriend. I do love Mikey a lot but I love him enough to know that I would be better to comfort him and be there for him as a best friend. Mike is a cool guy too. He's 18. Mikey is 16. I'm about to turn 19 in January. Mike is big and tall and Hispanic and Mikey is small with reddish hair. I haven't written in my journal lately because my life has taken so many turns it's best not to talk about them. I think I needed to learn about them before talking about them so I can reflect properly. Anyways, I'm studying at the University of Arizona. I've dropped one class so far and I'm failing another. I have two that I am doing well in so I won't go on probation. Registering has been a hassle this semester and I haven't registered for any classes; I'm just going to get the teachers to sign me in. Mikey and Mike were over today. Mikey is all over me though and he kisses me passionately. I can feel his tongue leave the sweat of love on to my lips. Most gay boys in Tucson are total sluts or have really bad personality, but Mikey is amazing all around. Mike is awesome too, but, to be honest, looks do matter. He is an awesome friend though; I love them both so much. My boyfriend doesn't make me feel wanted; He isn't passionate or romantic. I don't know where our relationship is going right now because he is dealing with a lot of emotional issues I've already dealt with. I think I expect too much from him. I've had pneumonia this week too. That was miserable. I went to the ER where it took them 6 hours to find out what was wrong with me and provide an I.V. with antibiotics. I'm living in a nice house with one roommate in the Catalina Foothills. I might move out though and get my own apartment downtown so my friends can hang out with me a lot. We're going to look tomorrow. I think the max I can pay is 400$ including utilities. I sold all my old clothes to buffalo exchange today and got 40$. They were from years ago where I used to wear a 34 and now I wear a 28. I know; I lost a lot. Everyone says I'm so beautiful but I don't see it in me. I want to get my nose done but I'm still saving up. Smaller is the goal. Here the conflict for today: Mike likes Mikey but I don't see Mikey liking Mike. If Mike asks Mikey out for a date I think things will feel weird because Mikey will think that he is teasing Mike and that is why Mike likes him. This happened with another one of our friends Madonna (Daniel). You know your gay when you have a friend called that! LOL. Well, I have school Monday and I need to get a lot done Tuesday. I'm waiting for Mike to get home so I can talk to him about what he talked to Mikey about. I was supposed to drop Mike off and instead he asked Mikey to take him. Hmmmm. So they can talk?
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
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1:00 am
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Marc,
My mom came and visted me from Yuma. He car broke down and she took mine home with her. I've have been riding the bus and my roommate's bike with a squwerl on it. It's beyond embarassing. Anyways, Tucson is full of the weirdest people. Some of the people I met here are beyond crazy, literally. I hope your having a fun time with your fag hag. That's so horrible about the poor Blondie on Queer as Folk. My roommate is going to get me a job at The GAP when they hire in August. She was a manager there so she is going to pull some strings for me. I really just want the damn discount. It's 30% at all GAP stored including Bananna Republic! my favorite. I'm spending a lot of money but I am good with money so i can work out a budget. My cousin from Illinois came to Tucson and I had dinner with him today. I had this weird Tiwan food. I drank a lot of water with it and then i got sick and threw it all up when i was walking home, due to the fact, I dont have a car. I've been dating this one guy here for about a week now but I am not sure if it's going to work out. Ever since I left Yuma I have been feeling a bit empty emotionally. Maybe I am just scared about school. Everyone here is making bets on when he and I will break up. It's almost like they are encouraging it. He really nice but I'm not sure if i feel 'it' for him. As soon as I met you I felt 'it'. Right now, I am sort of in a loss of my emontioal state. Usually, I can tell right off hand what will happen. I want to go to the gay church here in down. It's called the Metropolatain Church of Christ. It's not catholic but its gay so that makes up for it, I guess.
Love,
Scott
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| Monday, June 25th, 2001
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3:52 pm
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Wow, they took Ken off of his escort website. That's intresting.
current music: Bjork - Human behavior
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3:47 pm
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Wow, It has been forever since I written in my journal. Bad Scott! Well, a lot has been going on. I still don't have a job though. I hang out at Queervoice. That's a lounge for gay youth to hang out and meet positive role models. I don't go to the youth group anymore. It's pathetic because it makes gays feel like they have to be persecuted. They don't even talk about real problems anyways. Just the same stuff all over again makes every meeting. I met this one guy, Daniel. He's 19 and very beautiful but he has some major mental problems. He thinks and acts like he's 12. He believes that he has supernatural powers too. I don't know weather to believe him or not. I do believe in such a thing as having powers. I was a member of Yuma Pagan Network for a few years. I'm not sure though If he is just delusional though. He's so nice and attractive. I don't know what to do. I decided that I would just be his friend. I made him something to eat and took him home the night I met him. He didn't have anything to eat and his house was trashed. I feel really bad for him. He literally needs someone to assume a parent role in his life. When I first met him I was beyond attracted to him. Something just pulled me to him. I am dating a guy named Ken. He's 18 like me and I bought him a half a dozen roses yesterday. He liked them. Zach, the guy who set us up, said that there were bets about how long we were going to last. The minimum was 3 weeks and the most was 2 months, which was Zach's bet. It almost feels like pressure to leave him. Everyone is actually waiting for it to happen. There are some other things that are a bit strange about Ken. He's an escort! I brought it up before he and I started dating though. He said he only did it once when he was desperate for the money. Ken is sweet though and he took me up to Mt. Lemon to look at the night sky. It was so beautiful and nice up there. My roommate is doing fine. She is actually leaving for Colorado soon which is really going to make living here a bore. It will just be me now. Kenny is doing well. He got a job at a funeral home making 20 some dollars an hour! He is still dating Steve even though Steve is always standing him up and making him feel down. My mom took my car away! She drove up here and her car broke down. She had me tow her car to the dealer and then she took my car back home. I'll get my car back but when they are done fixing hers. That sucks because it's the monsoon here in Tucson and it's raining everyday. The buses are slow so I got soaked today. It was a nice walk though.
current music: Bjork - Crying
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
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9:29 pm
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Mom went to Florida and had a great time. I'm having a great time in Tucson and I'm meeting a lot of new people. I found out that Cory is indeed, bisexual. That is the end of any relationship there. I have been having massive amounts of foreplay with this other guy Lynn, a.k.a. David. He and I constantly play around and get frisky with each other. He left his boyfriend to be with me, but I told him that there was no way I would date him unless three weeks passed between him leaving his ex. They only dated for two weeks but that's still no excuse. Queervoice is still fun. OMG! I went on a date with Mike. I had such a great time. We went to the olive garden for deserts and then we walked around in the Park Mall. We ended up at my place and watched Psycho, the old version. I drove him home and I went to kiss him and then he swallowed my head! He didn't know how to kiss. He kissed my face so hard with his open mouth he bounced back. LOL! It was so cute. He is so innocent and sweet. He's going to Columbia University! He's such a cute guy. I was just shocked that he didn't know how to kiss. How sexy is that? Wow! He sure is so cute and attractive. He's Hispanic with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He reminds me of an old friend of mine from Yuma, Josh. Lynn wants to be with me so much its crazy. He wants to spend days with me on end and I want some time to myself. Lynn has some problems though. He's very beautiful and the perfect white boy for me but he is sort of a slut. He is always waiting for the next best thing to come around so I reluctant to date him at all. I am going to keep playing with him for now and when three weeks rolls around I'll decide wither I want to date him or not. I have two and a half weeks to go. Kenny is dating Steven despite always being stood up. Two new people moved next door to Kenny so at least he has someone new to talk to and hang out with. His roommate stopped paying the phone bill and the phone is gone. Kenny's doctors have no way to contact him. He has epilepsy. She got her cell phone so fuck everyone else. Kenny is pissed and he wants to move to Florida. My mom is coming to visit this next weekend. I might go to Teto's this coming weekend
current music: Enigma - Principles of Lust: Sadeness/Find Love/Sadeness (Reprise)
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2001
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11:52 pm
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My roommate came home finally tonight and her new girlfriend came too! She was a total baseball cap lesbian. LOL! She was really nice though and very intelligent, very clean and pretty.
I went to queervoice again today and I got on film for a documentary on being gay in high school. It was something put on by GLSEN. I just talked about being hated and beaten in high school while being ignored. It was nice to vent it all out for the last time and not have to think about it again. Its so nice here in Tucson because everything I do is gay. I only hang out with gay people. I only hangout at gay friendly or just plain gay places. LOL! I'm not isolated from heterosexuals though. I'm even going to a gay church tomorrow. It might be cool, ill find out tomorrow. I do need to start going back though. Were having a gay parade and I'm going to march! :D LOL! I was most psyched about the video. That's about it. I need to find a job. That's a priority of mine but I might be able to get away with not having one. I want to finished in four years so I need 15 credits a year. I'm going to take 12 for 2 semesters and then take 3 during the summer. Ill just take out student loans if I get poor. There is no way I am going to postpone graduation for a summer time, minimum wage job for toilet paper and deodorant and gas for my car. I can just take out about 4k in student loans and pay them back my first year of teacher. LOL! That's about 1/4 of my annual salary! Sad!
current music: Enya - Sail Away
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10:31 am
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I bought the until there is a cure bracelet today. Its cool. All the proceeds go to aids research.I went to queer voice and there is this guy there. his name is Lynn. Well, he is very attractive and he and I spent all yesterday together. He left his boyfriend that day too which I just found out. his friend told me that he left him because he wasn't his type and then I asked her what was his type. She then told me that I was his type. I felt like he was leaving Will for me. I felt really bad and guilty because of that even though I didn't have anything to do with it. Will was all upset and crying outside of the building. I know that if I did ever pursue a relationship with Lynn it wouldn't work out. He says things that make me feel that he isn't like me at all. He said he wanted a car alarm just so he could annoy people and some other things which just aren't me. Ok, now for the fun stuff. We hung out all day and finally ended up at where he was staying. We pierced his scrotum! It was so crazy. We sat his down in the bathroom and stuck the needle in his sac. I didn't do it because I didn't want to come into contact with his blood. I stayed back. It was interesting to watch. There were five of us. There was this one Goth chick whom he bleed over because they lost where the hole was! LOL! Well, shes all tasting his blood! Yuck! Scott knows better than to get into contact with any fluids. It was cool though. We went to a smoke shop, rainbow planet and Brooklyn pizza company. I had a good time. I love Tucson and the people are so crazy which is cool too!
current music: Various Artists - Nelly Furtado - I'm Like a Bird
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| Friday, June 8th, 2001
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12:25 am
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I just got home from hanging out at the rainbow planet. I went to queervoice where I painted a wall mural. I put my hand print on the wall. It was so awesome. I painted two lesbians and some flowers. Queervoice is like a youth group here in Tucson. I really enjoy it and I get to meet a lot of new people too! I finished registering for all my classes but I still need to do some work on finding them all and everything. my furniture comes in tomorrow. I am so excited. Well, that's about it. I had a really horrible date too.It was totally obvious he just wanted to fuck. I was totally insulted. He also acted very arrogant and bitchy. He didn't know what he wanted to do but everything I wanted to do wasn't good enough. He just wanted to come to my house and hangout. Bah! Hang out and have sex? No Way! He didn't look anything like his picture on the Internet and when he got in my car he smelled like french fries. Now I could have overlooked that but he had a horrible personality. We went to a classy store, Z gallarie. It just wasn't working out. when he left I gave him a hug and he said, "Oh, is that supposed to be a hug?" Like it wasn't good enough. Then he just left. He talked like one of those slut Hispanic women who wonder why the only men they attract are the men who get them pregnant and treat them like shit. I couldn't stand it. I even had to drop him off early which I made some excuse to do. lol. I feel really bad about it but he was a total jerk. He was nothing like i expected or his profile showed.
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
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7:40 pm
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Ok, Finally I found some time to write. I just finished my orientation today. It really sucked. I totally thought the point of it was the register but I was wrong. It's for parents so they don't feel like their little babies are going to be hurt. What a joke. They stretched out a 15min registration to 2 days! I went to wingspan yesterday. Tucson's own gay alliance office. I am going to go to the Queervoice lounge too tomorrow. I am having a great time. All my furniture is coming in Friday! I can't wait. I spent all my graduation money already, all 2k. I have a nice desk and a nice bed frame. I feel like I am so tired and that I just want to rest. I really don't want to work this summer because I have a lot going on at school. I think this next summer I wont but take classes. I am on my way to being a history teacher finally! They say that it is heavy in writing but I enjoy writing so it won't be that bad. I need to refresh my writing skills but I am taking an English before I start any history classes. I am going to minor in Latin or Teaching. Im not sure which right now. I met this guy named Cory. He's a FRATBOY! LOL! Anyways, I think he likes me. He calls me about everyday just to talk or to see if I want to do anything. He's blond with blue eyes too. He's a cutie and really nice but sometimes he comes off as a know-it-all or an 'I've been there done that'. He's a good friend. He has nice arms too. He's like this blond surfer boy. A bit on the butch side for me but you can tell he's gay. OMG! I was driving today and this guy wouldn't stop staring at me. He was old in his 50s. He saw my rainbow flag on the driver's side window. It's a big flag about 2in by 4in, He just stared and then the light turned green and he was just there but he finally left. He was really scary. I don't really care though. I'm having a great time! My roommate is a Jewish Lesbian! How cool is that! She is so nice too. I saw this Jewish boy at orientation. I had a dream about him when I took my nap today. I wonder if he was gay? I wanted to introduce myself but he wasn't around long enough. Joe was at the orientation! He and I talked and bitched at each other. LOL. It was the usual. Kenny is doing well but he is in and out of being sick. He has epilepsy. He's my best friend and he and I usually hang out a lot. My mom went to Florida to see Sue and look for a house. It's so strange. She went on a date with Wendell some friend from work so im not sure if she is indeed a lesbian anymore. She's probably just bisexual. I found out that she was talking to my lesbian roommate to check on me! LOL. I love my mom. She's so cute and caring.
current music: Spice Girls - Wannabe
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| Sunday, June 3rd, 2001
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4:34 pm
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WOW! So much has been going on. Where to begin? I am living on Park Ave. I moved in with this lesbian. She is so awesome and its so nice here. I bought a new desk, and mattress, and even a bed frame. All the furniture is Scandinavian from Copenhagen's. My roommate has a 5 year old kid but hes really quiet and calm. Hes fun to play with too! I have orientation tomorrow at the U. I bought these new satin sheets and a satin comforter. My room is screaming class. All of the furniture is hard contemporary. Kenny and I have been hanging out a lot but he is dating his friend Steven. I'm still single and a bit lonely. I miss Teto. I went to Mexicali with him before I left yuma. I had the best time and I told him that if I ever got married it would be to someone like him. That's the truth. I've been shopping like crazy and spending a lot. Mom is going to pay me for the mattress. My room is so nice and luxurious. I go to the rainbow planet a lot. Everyone in Tucson is gay! It's crazy! I see about 10 people a day that are gay. It's reassuring. I'm going to go to queervoice and wingspan and hang out with all the other fags! YAY! LOL. I'll write later.
current music: Lionel Richie - All Night Long
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| Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
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10:42 am
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I foudn this place though a friend and im going to look at it today. It has a connectiong den/library which will be mine too. Thats if i decide to move in of course. Mom for some reason is here in tucson visiting friends.
current music: Michael Nyman - the Heart
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